Finding another Dad, or the idea of a new one

You can't go home again, but surely you can replace a parent

I’ve been listening to a podcast with two men who are separated in age by over 20 years (40 and 62), and ostensibly they discuss stock markets and investing, but I’ve come to realize that what I appreciate most is the generous, familial way in which they speak to one another. There is an ease and openness to their conversations, where wisdom is imparted with wit, kindness, and hard-earned experience. I imagine this is what it would be like talking to my Dad if he were still alive.

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When you grow up without a Dad you can too often become a ship without a rudder. You lose the person in your life who you are afraid to disappoint. You lack a benevolent push towards making better choices and other people proud. All of your life choices are made on your own without the benefit of someone wiser to steer you clear of common obstacles. Of course your Mom will help you, but every boy wants to please his father and there is nothing that can change that.

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I was driving my daughter home from school and listening to this podcast in the background when she turned to me and asked, “does this remind you of your Dad?” And she caught me leaning too far in one direction and I started to cry because of course that was the reason. Sure the podcast was smart and engaging, but what had captured me was the sincerity and kindness they showed for one another—it allowed me to imagine the best version of my dad and myself, as if nothing had gone wrong. So it hurt really bad that she recognized my loss, but I’m glad she was able share in my recognition.

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The life of a teenage boy is fraught with imagined perils. What do you do when your most important source of support and validation is suddenly gone from your life? Who do you proudly show your report card to? Where do you turn to for advice on buying your first home or starting a family? How will you be warned if you’re making bad decisions and need to change? Of course your Mom will help you, but every boy needs a father to rely on and nothing can change that.

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As my clock ticks into middle age, I’ve learned exactly what I lost, and it wasn’t just a Dad but an entire set of experiences and opportunities. I realize now that I’ve done too many things the hard way for my entire life and I feel a regret that can border on resentment. Neither emotion is healthy nor constructive and so the choice I have is very clear: I can continue figuring things out on my own from a position of disadvantage, or else I can go out into the world and find a new Dad.

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I suspect that you don’t find a new Dad so much as you make yourself vulnerable and search for the idea of one. You need to become more Other-directed and there is an assembling of gathered fragments. You need to find people that you respect and learn how they solve problems. You need to discuss your mistakes with people you trust so that you don’t repeat them. You must celebrate accomplishments with people who know what you’re capable of so that you feel the appropriate sense of pride. And you need to think hard and remember the happiest days of your childhood and goddamn make sure you overdeliver for your kids.

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A new Dad is created from all of the ideas you have of what it means to be a better person. The idea is given life through practice and is something that you have to embody and continually will into existence. All of your life you have been self-directed and you can only improve yourself by fathering a consistent internal monologue that brings the idea of Him forever alive in you, active and healthy, as a tailwind that gently pushes everything you love forward, towards something better.